Communication Breakdowns? A Relationship Counselor's Tips for Better Understanding

As someone who does relationship therapy and marriage counseling for a living, I see plenty of couples struggling with communication breakdowns. Maybe you catch yourselves stuck in the same old cycle of fighting about the same junk over and over without getting anywhere. Or one partner always feels like they can't get a word in edgewise. Crappy communication is a total romance-killer that breeds frustration, resentment, and distance between two people.

But here's the good news - with some effective tools and guidance from a qualified relationship counselor like myself, you can overcome these communication hurdles. I'm going to share some tips I give couples all the time in marriage therapy and counseling sessions for relationships:

Listen to Understand, Not Just Respond

One of the biggest mistakes is when partners listen just to formulate their clap-back instead of actually trying to understand each other. Kick this habit by practicing active listening skills. When your spouse is talking, give them your full focus without thinking about your rebuttal. Repeat back what you heard to make sure you got it before opening your mouth.

Use "I" Statements

Pointing fingers and blaming ("You always..." "You never...") is like throwing gas on the fire. It instantly puts your partner on the defensive. Instead, use "I" statements that explain how you feel without attacking ("I felt hurt when..." "I need..."). It's a less aggressive way to get your point across.

Schedule Regular Check-Ins

Don't let things go unsaid until a billion resentments have built up and someone erupts. As a couples therapist, I advise setting a weekly or monthly couple's meeting to discuss any issues, updates, appreciation for each other, etc. Nip that stuff in the bud.

Ditch Distractions

How many times have you two tried to hash something out while also doing chores, cooking dinner, or getting pinged by your devices? Eliminate distractions and give your full attention when having an important talk.

Consider Your Delivery

Sometimes it's not just what you say, but how you say it. Are you trying to discuss heavy stuff when one of you is already hangry, exhausted, or amped up emotionally? Know when to take a pause if one person isn't in a calm mindset to communicate well.

Don't Play Mind Reader

We shouldn't expect our partners to be psychic mind readers. If you need something, ask for it clearly and directly. Make requests instead of complaining after the fact about unmet needs.

If communication has broken down in your relationship, don't lose hope. An experienced relationship counselor can equip you with personalized tools and tricks to really understand each other again. With effort from both of you, it's totally possible to rebuild that connection. Working on communication is an investment in your marriage that keeps paying you back.

If you need a little extra help navigating conflict and communication, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation here.