Sex After Abuse: Reclaiming Intimacy and Pleasure
If you have experienced sexual trauma or abuse, you know its impact reaches far beyond the abusive incidents themselves. Sexual violation can cast a shadow over your ability to intimately connect with partners, enjoy physical closeness, and embrace your sexuality. But with support, understanding, and gentle self-compassion, healing is absolutely possible.
Common Struggles with Sex After Abuse
Feeling disconnected from your body or numb during sex
Flashbacks to abuse being triggered by certain acts or touch
Anxious thoughts and emotions flooding your mind during intimacy
Tensing up, freezing, or disengaging as a protective response
Difficulty relaxing, getting aroused, or reaching orgasm
Minimal or no desire for sex due to associated trauma
Pain or discomfort during penetration or other sexual activity
Allowing sexual activity you don't want to avoid disappointing a partner
Overcoming Barriers to Intimacy and Pleasure
The good news is you can overcome these struggles with time, effort, and the right support. Here are some tips for reconnecting with your sexuality after abuse:
Seek counseling specifically focused on sex and trauma. Having a compassionate, knowledgeable professional guide you through the healing process is invaluable. They can help address both psychological and physical components.
Communicate openly with your partner(s). Let them know what happened and how it affects intimacy for you. Share what triggers painful memories and what helps you stay present. Collaborate on ways to make sex feel emotionally and physically safe.
Take sex completely off the table until you feel ready. There is no pressure to be intimate again until you want to be. Move at your own pace through counseling, self-reflection, and processing emotions.
When you do start reengaging sexually, keep activities focused on emotional connection and pleasure versus goal-oriented sex. Hold each other, kiss, use gentle touch not associated with abuse experiences.
Remain present by keeping your senses engaged. Notice the sensations, sights, sounds and scents around you. Breathe deeply. Make eye contact with your partner. Say each other's names.
Release negative self-talk and know reactions like numbness or tensing up are normal protective mechanisms, not personal failures. Be patient and compassionate with yourself and your healing process.
Prioritize your comfort. Only attempt sexual activity that feels emotionally and physically safe for you in the moment. Have your partner regularly check in on your comfort level. Stop immediately if you feel triggered or overwhelmed.
Try mindful masturbation to reconnect with your body on your own terms. Focus on acceptance, staying present, and giving yourself pleasure versus reaching a goal.
Use empowering language about your body and sex. For example affirm “I allow pleasure to fill my body” versus “Sex is scary for me.”
Draw on professional support like somatic therapy, physical therapy, or pelvic floor therapy to address physical issues impacting sex.
Join a support group to know you are not alone. Share experiences and strategies with fellow survivors.
Celebrate each small step forward. Healing is a journey with ups and downs. Over time, intimacy can feel joyful, safe and connected again. You rediscover your resilience with each reclamation of pleasure and sensuality.
You deserve to live - body, heart and spirit - free from the chains of sexual trauma. With compassion for yourself every step of the way, you can find your path back to intimate fulfillment. You write the next chapter on your terms, moving toward sacred sensual experiences shared from a place of true desire and delight.
Looking for a sex therapist in Minnesota to help you navigate? Book a free, 15-minute consultation here.
